Sunday, February 04, 2007

It's...

BLOODY COLD HERE!!! The 2P's challenge for today is: How is the weather in your neck of the woods this weekend? What are you doing to keep warm? So there is my answer! BLOODY COLD! To quote my english roommate! Morgan of course went skiing! He keeps talking about how it's "not that cold". It's sickening that he's internal thermostat runs that warm! However, he just got back from the grocery store and admitted that in the freezer section he forgot about all his "issues" and admitted that Garrison Keillor is right. Winter puts it all into perspective! Currently it is noon and the temp is a balmy -14˙. And that is not including the windchill factor. Which I'm sure it double bloody cold. And what do I do to stay warm? Stay in the house! I'm not an idiot! Yesterday I did go to my mom's house just so we could get out of the house. Owen and I went. But I have a remote car starter and Owen has a very warm snuggly suit. So we aren't in the cold for long! Today I might do some shopping but I'm not feeling so great so we'll see.

I read this post by Kelly over at 2P's. She wrote about her battle with post partum depression. A very brave post. It brought back so many emotions from when Owen was first born. I was not diagnosed with PPD. My doctor said it was the "baby blues". But the experiences that Kelly describes were so similar to what I went through. The crying especially. I cried more during the first 3-4 months after Owen being born than I have ever cried in my life. I was getting hardly any sleep, recovering from a C-section, learning to be a stay-at-home mom and trying to nurse. Being a new mom is anything but glamorous. I would send my friends from work e-mails which apparently worried them. I was lucky to have them and my mom close. But the feeling of being the only person to care for this helpless child for hours on end could be so overwhelming.
I loved Owen before he was born and more so once he arrived. But his endless crying jags would put me into crying jags and I would just feel helpless and alone. And a little bit crazy. Those were the feelings that made me feel so afraid. That I was helpless and crazy. I had to care for both of us and I felt like a nut. I am not a young mom. I am not inexperienced with children. Just inexperienced with babies. I had an easy pregnancy and I had done a lot of reading about birth and coming home and all that stuff. I felt prepared. But the reality was that nothing could prepare me for this.
Morgan stayed home for a week after Owen was born. On the Sunday night before he was to go back to work I was nursing Owen (painfully) and had this realization that tomorrow I would be alone. Morgan was worthless to me now. No help. He was leaving me with this baby that I loved but that I wanted to take back to the hospital, even if just for an afternoon, so I could get some sleep! I began to sob. And there was nothing that Morgan could do to change it or make me feel better. I was going to have to be alone with Owen eventually. Fortuantely my mom had the next week off and was able to come over whenever I needed her. But I still felt helpless. Owen was not a good sleeper. He cried a lot. Nursing was excruciating and eventually I stopped. It turns out the first two weeks are the worst but then it gets better. NO ONE told me that either! I was attached to a milk machine until Owen was 4 months old. Then I gave it up. Lots of children are formula fed and they grow up to be normal, happy people.
I still marvel at those months. That they are over. That I made it through. That Owen is not the fussy, crabby, high-maintenance baby I thought he was going to be. I enjoy being a SAHM now. I get a little lonesome for my friends and a little bored sometimes but I wouldn't go back to life before Owen. Unfortunately there are women who don't make it through. Who don't have support or get help or validation for the way they are feeling. You don't come out of the delivery room glowing. I think the women who say they did are lying.
One of my coworkers had a baby a year before I had Owen. She didn't have drugs or a C-section and I remember her saying how good she felt that she accomplished that.
I had 36 hours of labor, a C-section, hemorrhaged, and then had a blood transfusion. They had to put the IV port in 4 times. 4 times! Everyone's experience is different. But we accomplish the same thing. We bring a child into the world. All of our experiences and feelings should be valued. Even the dark ones. Thank you Kelly, for writing about your experience. I feel better about mine now too.

3 comments:

Maureen said...

This weather is getting old real fast isn't it? We have been locked in the house too. Thanks for sharing your story about depression. I have struggled for years

Noelia said...

I just read this and it takes a lot of courage to share this with people. Thanks for sharing Heather :)

Aimeslee Winans said...

Oh, wow. You are one tough cookie, Heather. Your story brought back my memories of childbirth and my first months as a mother. That might be just a little bit why we waited 4 years before trying for another one and by then my fibroid tumors had taken over, so DD is an only. I think it would have been easier a second time, but it is still a huge trauma to any woman. And, yeah, the ones who glow apparently are very lucky...{hugs}