Tuesday, September 28, 2010

One year

It's been one year since my friend Nikki passed away from leukemia. Not one of those days have I not thought about her and missed her. In the beginning it was a horrible realization every morning. I would wake up and not long after remember that she was gone, and my heart would sink. After awhile I began to know that when I woke up. And my hear would still sink. It was no longer a daily realization but part of the reality of our lives. And I would continue on. Because what else is there to do? But I would still have moments when I had to remind myself that I couldn't call her and tell her what Owen had done that day. Or ask if she and Marc wanted to come for dinner. And gradually I've stopped having those moments. And I no longer cry every day. I can talk about her and tell stories about her and share her with others without breaking down. But there are still plenty of tears.

This quote basically sums up how Nikki touched the lives of everyone who had the pleasure of knowing her.

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

We will never be the same for having known her and loved her. She was joyful and passionate and full of life and she left that with us in our hearts. And while I will always miss her every day I know that where she is she is spreading joyfulness and passion and humor and love.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Must see video...

The sequel to the Pink Glove Dance! My friend, who is a nurse at the U of M, is in it! And the survivors from MN are in the Walker Sculpture Garden in front of Spoon Bridge that I have posted pictures of before.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

I dream of peace and quiet...OR why I stay up way too late...

When I was still teaching I drove to work listening to public radio or a station that actually played some music in the morning rather than just the chatter of a couple of idiot DJs or hosts as they like to call themselves. On the way home I listened to nothing and tried to breath deeply while driving. Now when I go to work I listen to public radio or music and often the same on the way home. Perhaps that says something about my job. There is a lot less talking involved and I'm only there for 4 or 5 hours at a time.

Teaching was a very emotionally draining job for me. Maybe emotional isn't the right word. Mentally draining. My current jobs (mortgage assistant, mama, wife, homemaker) aren't as mentally draining but they still take something out of me that only peace and quiet can restore. The things is, though, there isn't a lot of peace and quiet in my day. I'm bombarded for most of the day (while I'm home) with Owen's requests for a playmate (me or someone), food (small but frequent portions) or any number of other things that he can think of from turning on a light because he's scared of the dark (even though the sun is streaming in the window of the room) to wiping his butt (we are working on that!). Then there is the dog. He spent a large part of this morning wandering the house whining because he knew Owen had a PB sandwich and he desperately had to have some of it. I hate whining. From all forms of life. Especially my child and my dog. Eventually I let him go downstairs to sniff out the sandwich remains, that I had hid, until he came to his own conclusion that he wasn't getting the sandwich. That dog eats way too much bread. And anything else he can steal off the table.

It seems that most of my life is spent responding to the needs of others. Child, boss, husband, friends. I get a little overwhelmed by how people don't seem to be able to do things for themselves. Getting dressed, printing documents, finding keys or cell phone. I am by no means perfect but I do pride myself on being able to be mostly self-sufficient. Maybe it's because I don't like to rely on other people. Because I want things done the right way so I figure out how to do them myself. Because I don't like to be at someone's beck and call all the time so I'm not going to do that to someone else. I don't mean to sound heartless. I do help Owen when he needs help but I also want him to know that he can turn on a light on his own. Or that he will, at some future date (but soon), be required to wipe his own butt! And I want Morgan to put things in a place where he can find them so I don't have to be called upon to find them for him. The real issue is that he needs to learn how to actually *look* for things and not just survey the scene.

I feel like a lot of my time is spent with some form of chaos and I don't like chaos. I prefer order. Neatness. No unpleasant surprises. So at night, after O is asleep and Morgan has wandered of to bed to read or sleep I find myself wide awake doing whatever I want. Watching episodes of Mad Men one after the other. Enjoying a much to large dish of ice cream. Surfing the internet for creative inspiration. Reading a book uninterrupted. I love these moments of solitude. I sometimes day dream about them during the day. It's kind of like the carrot that keeps me going. Unfortunately I pay for these late nights the next day. When I can't drag my butt out of bed or get motivated to get anything done.

I'm hoping that once O starts preschool we will find a better balance of all the things our family needs. More playtime and learning for Owen with people his own age. More peace and quiet for me.

I guess this is the nature of an introvert raising an extrovert!