More about the voice...

As I mentioned the other day I am reading this book. (click the picture to go to the site) It wasn't a book that I originally thought I'd get into. When I read the back it didn't sound good to me. But Maggie brought it to book club once and I decided to request it from the library. It came in. I picked it up and because the request line is so long I decided I'd try it as I'd have to return it soon anyway. Turns out I did get into it. But here's the interesting part. After I wrote my post about the voices the other day I got to a part in the book where Elizabeth Gilbert writes about the voice in her head. Or rather the voice that talks to her. It came about when she began praying during a difficult time in her life. And the voice that talked back to her was her own. Just more calm and compassionate. And reasonable. I was stunned by this part of the book. I pray. I am a faithful person. I believe in God. I go to church. I read the bible and try to study it. I try to live the life I think I'm supposed to. But I NEVER hear God talking to me. I believe he works in my life. But I've not once heard his voice. And this angers me. And angers is the correct word here. God and I have a tumultuous relationship. He is patient and kind (and silent) and I am angered and doubtful. It's like this a lot. And I don't pretend that it's any other way. But always I pray and always I wait. And I never hear an answer. And here is where the book comes in. Maybe I'm listening for the wrong voice. On page 15-16 of the book Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this voice. She says, "...it was not an Old Testament Hollywood Charlton Heston voice, nor was it tell me I must build a baseball field in my backyard. It was merely my own voice as I had never heard it before. This was my voice, but perfectly wise, calm and compassionate. This was what my voice would sound like if I'd only ever experienced love and certainty in my life."
At that moment I sat stunned. What a dolt! All this time. ALL THIS TIME! I've been waiting to hear the Hollywood Charlton Heston voice! And the whole time only hearing my own. Sometimes. But it was there. Telling me what to do and how to do it and blah, blah, blah. And I'd been ignoring that voice of reason to wait for the big BOOMING voice. And somewhere else in the book, I can't find it right now to quote directly, she talks about this part. That what if we hear God not in another voice, but in our own inner voice, with reason and compassion and comfort. Sheesh! What good does a master's degree with a crap load of religion classes do!? It's like looking for something on the end of your nose. It's been there all along.

The other part I love is how she converses with this voice. In a journal. She writes. Basically to herself. Yes, a little odd, but really, why write a journal if you don't get any answers?? So I'm going to try it out and see if it helps to talk to myself.

Now I'm off to pack my stuff up for tomorrow's crop. Then tonight I have to shop for something to wear to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce Gala! I hate shopping for fancy things. I can never find what I want when I want it. Or to fit my body. I've got a cute dress that would be great. IF I were 25 pounds thinner. Even unzipped, it looks bad!