Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Mommy hell...

is where I currently am. I don't know if Owen is still just not feeling well or if it's that he's coming up on 2, or if it's just been a bunch of stuff but he's been a bear. This morning he threw a monster fit (not the cute Elmo kind) for around an hour. I think he was woken up by Morgan's alarm, which was set on the "heart attack" volume setting. I hate that alarm. I hate all alarm clocks actually. I much prefer the natural way of waking up. When you're damn good and ready. 5 am everyday. I'm not a morning person. I think I've mentioned that before. So I wasn't happy to be awake or have Owen awake and mad. Morgan tried to settle him and nothing was working and he had to get ready for work so I had to try. And I tried everything. Nope, nothing. Just more screaming and throwing himself around. I am not good with fits. I don't know how else to convey that. I'm not patient in the face of hysteria. Chaos I can deal with. Fire alarms, drills, emergencies, I can deal with. Not hysterical toddlers. To get to the point I eventually had a little melt down and yelled which didn't help the crying. Then I had a time out to settle down. I don't know if my yelling or my time out did it or if Owen was just getting worn out but when I came out (he was safe during my time out) he was able to let me hold him without flailing. Then we listened to the Dixie Chicks and cuddled a bit. He was dog tired too. Eventually I was able to put him back to bed and go back to bed myself. But after he woke up he was still not right with himself. More fit throwing more crying (both of us). Me calling Morgan and then my mom, in tears for both calls. He finally settled down to watch Elmo and eat dry cereal.

Some days, lots of days lately, I just don't feel like I'm cut out for the Stay at Home Mommy job. I've got a painfully small bag of tricks for a toddler. I can't call his parents when he's being a pain or when he's sick. My discipline system for a third grade classroom is not translating well to toddlerhood either. And then there are the characteristics that I'm seeing in him that resemble the ones I don't like in myself. I'm hoping they even out as he grows.

I try to stay calm. I try to use a calm and soothing voice (while I'm screaming inside) and above all I try to stay consistent in my expectations and our routine. Which is also hard. Somedays it's so much easier to let him do whatever he wants. I'm tired and impatient and not good at toddler play. I want him to be happy and agreeable all the time. I want him to sleep through the night. I want to be a good mommy. Instead I feel like a horrible and lonesome mommy who has no help other than to call Morgan or my mom. Which to be honest is no help at all. I thought about calling the police and telling them I was going to hurt my son just to see what would happen. If they'd come and relieve me for a bit. Let him play with the walkie-talkie for an hour. But they'd probably just call social service. Who'd see the bruise between his eyes, that he got from climbing around at the doctor's office, and assume I'd already hurt him. I need Nanny 911. Or Super Nanny. Just for an hour a day. Or when I am at the end of my rope. Which is just too often right now.

The other day Morgan and I had a disagreement. About what I'm not really sure. But he said something to the effect that I had been gone scrapping the whole night before. I'd had some time out of the house. I just don't know how to explain it to him. It's like being in prison. And you get to go outside a little bit everyday. But then you go back in. And you are still in prison. So it's like you never left. I've never been in prison of course, but I guess that's the only analogy I can come up with. It's just Mommy Hell.


Rachel Whetzel said...

Man, Hugs!! I know that feeling. If you ever need to email or vent, I'm usually on line! Just know that this time will pass. You are doing a GREAT job, and it's OK to need time away from prison! lol I have some ideas, because I was a toddler teacher for two years, and I have some tricks, but I will only give them if you need them. Let me know! You can email me through my blog... Hope your day gets better, and remember! IT'S WINTER. That's a tough time or year to be a mommy to a bundle of boy. I know. I have THREE!

KarenSue said...

I remember those years.
they are tough...but remember
'this to shall pass'

I think 'mommy time' is perfectly acceptable, and I hope your dh will come to support that.

my 'tricks' with my toddlers went from taking their pic during the tantrum (got some great ones of a red faced dd)and even walking to another room (worked with ds as he would simply stop cuz the tantrum was not working but did not work with dd who would simply follow you from room to room)

Don't worry, you and Owen will figure it out.

hope tomorrow is a better day for ya.

Aimeslee said...

Oh, Sweetie, I wish I could be there for ya - I'd babysit once a week. My two cents: every mother alive feels this, some more some less. I did. And the only way I got through it was something in my town called Mothers Day Out. 5 hours a day, two days a week. A local church offered it for like $30 a week (bak in the early 90's, which would be like $60 today, but WORTH EVERY PENNY OF SANITY). I really wish they had that where you live. Missy went there for three whole years before Kindergarten, that's how much I needed it, LOL.

We also did the weekly thing at the public library, plus additional trips to check out books. And just about any other place that could handle a toddler without us getting in trouble, LOL. Let's see, we did McDonalds a lot for lunch. But with all the fun stuff, I'd tell her: you have a choice. Be a good girl and we will go to _____. Be bad and we stay home, no fun. It worked great usually. They like having a choice (whether they really have one or not).

Sending hugs in bulk!

toners said...

Oh Heather, I remember those days not so long can be very hard indeed, and the only people who really "get" that are other moms who are staying at home like you. I know it's hard just now, but like everything else it will pass and you'll get through it. Please email me any time you need to vent (!

Barbara Eastwick said...

It's days like those..... Yep, I think that's what my mom meant when she told me "just wait until you have kids!"...

Aimeslee tagged me, so I'm visiting to Tag you! It's similar, but not exactly to one you've recently done.

Anonymous said...

girl, hang in there, this too will pass. I hate to say it but it is really just practice for the skills you will need in the years to come. I am home every day call if you need to escape...forget the nap he can sleep in the car, drive over and leave him with me for a bit! I have years of practice!!

Noelia said...

Just sent you an e-mail :)