Monday, July 30, 2007

Deep thoughts ahead...

Last week Bonnie Rose posted this blog challenge at 2P's.
Blog about some of the challenges in your life that u are now facing. If any. Be as blunt, or bold as u like.
I've been having difficulty keeping up with writing lately so I'm going back to this because I felt like it was something I wanted to write about.
I try not to dwell on challenges or difficulties in my life. At least not outwardly. I'm not sure why, probably for several reasons, one being my short attention span. And I know that sounds funny but I mean it in all seriousness. I'm not good at paying attention to things for long periods of time ( I did teach third grade you know!) so I'm not good at holding grudges, being mad, or listening for a long time. It's just me. And I also don't think I have a right to complain about things in my life too much because I have a good life. I am very blessed. But when I read Bonnie Rose's challenge I knew instantly what the "challenge" in my life is. It's my weight.
I feel like I've been stuggling with my weight for the last 20 years. Around the time I was 12 and13 my parents got divorced, I was in middle school (need I say more) and I began gaining weight. I had always thought I was a fat kid but one day I saw a picture of me just prior to this middle school time and I wasn't a fat kid. I remember thinking "wow! I was actually kind of a stick". And there is a period of time, a long time, where I don't recall a lot about my home life. Specifically the years my mom was married to my stepdad. And what I do remember was fighting and a lot of unhappiness. I remember lots of thing prior to this and after but for the 8 years they were married I don't remember more than the fighting and feeling like I didn't fit in at school. Although I always felt that way about school. Except college. I fit in there. And I loved that.
Anyway, this occured to me when I was talking to Morgan one night. As I mentioned I am blessed with many things in my life and one of those blessings in a wonderful husband who is my best friend. I know lots of women say that and it sounds cliche but he is. He loves me exactly as I am. Faults and all. So he knows how I feel about my weight. And as we were talking about this it occured to me that I started coping with my feelings by overeating when I was in middle school and all this home stuff was going on. I am not one of those people who sits around thinking "oh my life would be so wonderful if I had not had a crappy childhood." I am not that person. I hate that. I tend to focus on the changes and how to make them rather than the root or cause of something. But to associate this issue with something that happened was a huge thing for me. And kind of a place to start.
I associate my selfworth and my perception or value of myself with my weight. When I am heavy I am worthless. When I am skinny I have value and feel good about myself. I know all the things I need to do to achieve my weightloss goals. I have read countless books on diet and nutrition and fitness. I like to run and be active. But there is a little demon in me that rebells against this knowledge. And I can't get to a place where I can achieve my goals. I am hanging on to this fat for some reason. It sounds dumb but it's the truth. I'm insulating myself. Literally and figuratively! I cannot disconnect my weight from my self-worth. Even though I know everything I need to know. No one has to tell me I'm a good person. I know that. No one has to tell me they love me regardless of my weight. I know that too. But I don't. I don't love me no matter what. And that's the issue. And I think if I'm thin it will solve all the issues. And it won't. Which I know also!
So that's the challenge in my life. I have other minor ones. Which I probably cope with by eating chocolate and ice cream. But that's the big issue. And I'm sharing it because I know I'm not the only one.
The challenge for today is:
List 3 things you're really good at... blog about them.
1. I'm a good reader. I read well silently, outloud and upside down. I'm also a fairly quick reader.
2. Typing. I've had a lot of practice! My mom thought I should take a typing class in high school and it turned out to be a good thing.
3. Being creative. This is a hard thing for me to put down because I'm not always confident that it's true but sometimes if you believe something enough and have a bit of confidence then it can be the truth.


BonnieRose said...

such an insightful post heather.. Loved reading it... and of course u already have all the answers.. u have to get to the place when u look in that mirror and say to yourself. I am me, I am beautiful, just the way I am. Period period period. I am rooting for you, hugs

jp said...

Heather, what a great post. I can tell you're really thought about this particular challenge in your life. You did a wonderful job capturing your thoughts and emotions! You've made me think tonight. Thanks for sharing. :-) Janet

Colleen said...

I totally relate as this is probably by far by biggest challenge and one I struggle with daily...

Raquel said...

Great post Heather. We both have great husbands. Mine is the same way...loves me for who and how I am.

Lynn said...

Heather, what a heartfelt post. Believe me, you are not alone. I'm standing right there beside you. I know all the answers also, but I'm still not happy with "me". Maybe we can work on this challenge together. Thanks for sharing.
I personally think your very creative!

toners said...

Excellent post Heather :) TFS! I too am an emotional eater, and deal with any kind of emotion - negative or positive - with food. It's long been a problem of mine, and one day I hope to tackle it for good.